What about birth fathers? A good question to ask as we approach Father’s Day.
Birth mothers have come together to recognize their role as the first mother on the day before Mother’s Day, because they still need to be acknowleged as mothers. They celebrate each other, very aware of the reality that they are not celebrated as mothers by most of the world, nor is their life-long experience of loss acknowledged.
When a child is conceived, a man becomes a father. He does not carry that fetus inside or see his body change, but he is changed forever, also.
Historically, when a pregnancy was not planned, many of the birth fathers disappeared from the picture. Thankfully, that is changing some in these times. Regardless, if a man knows that he has created a child, he is changed. He will always know he is a father.
When a child is born, a father is automatically moved into the role of hero in his child’s mind. It is instinctively woven into our human nature. He has a role to fulfill, whether he wants it or not.
If a father is involved in raising his child, he will have the opportunity to protect, support, teach, listen, and lead through example. Children expect all of this from a father. It is what makes him a hero in their eyes. Even if a not-so-perfect dad sometimes, there is so much he can do to fill those enormous expectations. It starts with the words of love and what he dreams for them in their future that he whispers to his newborn infant cradeled in his arms. Bedtime stories, pitching balls, teaching the magic of riding a bicycle, being there for the piano recital…and the list goes on. A child’s self-esteem and belief that he can handle his or her life comes from feeling cared about and protected by dad. Everything counts.
If a father makes the decision that the best way he can serve his child is to place this precious life into the care of other parents that can provide a fuller, safer, healthier childhood, he, too, is a hero. It may not feel like an heroism, but this father still deserves the title because he did what he felt was right.
Like birth mothers, perhaps birth fathers need a special day to recognize being first father’s. Without them, adoptive families would have empty arms.
If you are a birth father, present during the pregnancy, may I suggest you talk to your child, even while still in the womb–your child can hear you! The words are being imprinted in that developing brain. Tell your child about your love, the great hopes and dreams you have for them, and how special they will be to you forever.
If you are there for the birth, hold your child. Talk. Share all your hopes and dreams for them. Say they are loved, special, wanted. The words count. Your child’s unconscious self will know what you said and will feel protected.
If you are involved in an open adoption, take every opportunity to let your child know your pride and love for them. Children need for their dads to be proud of them.
Don’t fail in this very special role. Be the hero your child needs. It matters. All children need their dads to be heros. Even if there are other heros in their lives, no others are the same as their father.
